| Private Status |
[Nov. 16th, 2010|04:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Trouble is a friend; Lenka | ] |
This time I'm stuck in a private game with Free.
Ask me what do I know about Free and I would say from what I had observed for the past nine months, nothing more than that. Free is two-sided or may be more than two - the angry one, trying-to-be-sweet one, ignorance one and the one who just don't care anything about me one. We got a private status but its not the usual one you know from the words "private status", neither do I know what I'm getting into. I can't be in this game for too long, I do age and change over time. With no promise(s), plan(s) which may not require to come true, I do not know where we're heading too. I just need to know something somehow somewhere but Free just wanna live the moment. How many more of such moment would I have, as estimated is 3 - 4 years (not much) and Free got 10 years of such moment at least thats what Free said.
Rumors, gossips, information, 3rd parties...
One is talking about the angry Free and another trying-to-be-sweet Free, these are you but some of these information is so overwhelming. Sometimes I have to keep it to myself, sometimes I tried to talk it out with Free but the ending is always ugly. Yes, I did thought of giving up and often take back the idea after a good sleep or talk with the girls. As quoted, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place". What exactly did I held on for so long, what did Free held on? We have been through this too many times and it just became pointless and hurtful to dealt with. No matter how much I try to know Free via songs, books, magazines, world wide web and friends. I'm still stuck here, unable to enter the secret dungeon.
I'm not good in games, often experience the same old scenes of Game Over.
"Please don't play this game
Just let me in, I know you want to
I would do anything and everything
Just to be there, with you is all I need
Don't leave me out here with all the information
Take me in and love me
Your love, care and attention is all I want
I would beg for it
Just don't leave me out here
Tell me how you feel
Tell me what you see
Don't keep it to yourself
I'm here always to share"
P.s. 85 Days |
|
|
| Sharing the same fucker. |
[Oct. 20th, 2010|05:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pessimistic | ] |
How can one share the guy she love with others? Is it possible to do so without feeling upset/ worried/ jealous?
I wonder how. Yes, I am a needy in every relationship I was in and the other party still love me as much, sacrifice for me. But in this relationship, I can't be a needy, I'm expected to be independent like I don't need the guy, like I had a better life without him. And again, what's the point to be in this relationship when I don't need him.
Everyone need everyone in a way or so but you never seems to need me and hate that I need you so badly. I wanna give up so badly, I hate to be so fucking independent when I have someone that supposedly I can rely on. There are guys who wanna have a piece of me when they knew that I broke up with you but I know they want nothing more than sex, yet you're always making fun of it instead of trying to protect me in any way.
That night, that niger, that asshole. I regretted and you did nothing to make me feel better beside accepting what had happened.
Just because the girls around you are so fucking independent doesn't mean I have to be like them, I am who I am but do you know the difference between me and them? I need to be in love, to feel the passion and love you can give me, without these I'm never in the mood for sex or planning special outing or even bother writing you little notes.
The feeling may come fast, it may leave fast too if you just don't cherish it. I know it better than anyone else. |
|
|
| What I'm not. |
[Oct. 19th, 2010|12:21 am] |
i'm 21 this year, a girl who have no idea of what she wants in her life.
I'm not extraordinary gorgeous, not smart or talented, not a girl on Lookbook.nu who got lots of hype or the girl who has popular blog/My Space/FaceBook.
I'm none of the above. I'm not great in any way nor do I have a rich family but I know what I should or should not do, my parents taught me well. I don't go around poking my nose into my friend's relationship, commenting about their girlfriend/boyfriend especially not when I don't even know them well, whether they are still together or not, does the girlfriend/boyfriend treat my friend well or not, all these are none of my business.
I know you're not me but does that give you any rights to fucking care so much when you can't even handle your relationship well. I may not be the ideal girlfriend but is he the ideal boyfriend? He may be a ideal/great friend but not a boyfriend and you won't know because you're not his girlfriend.
He may always say 'She's a bitch la, you don't have to be bothered with what she said' but I know he don't mean that, he just find me annoying. I don't wanna end this relationship just because of you - NOT WORTH A SINGLE BIT, I choose to keep it real low. Its so fucking low, intimate moments are so well kept in his house/room that made me feel like a whore/mistress, I may complain but not to him and just to myself as it will be all worth it, from the nonsense friend(s) could contribute to a relationship. Especially friend(s) like you.
Stop thinking that you're high up there like Queen B because you're nowhere near, stop thinking yourself so greatly, you just protrait yourself as a fucking annoying mean bitch.
Oh! On a lighter note, new addition to the body soon - A time for war and a time for peace.
Where should it be place this time?
p.s. I need a laptop damn badly to keep up to my thoughts. |
|
|
| Nigel |
[Oct. 18th, 2010|03:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Never have loving someone so heart breaking, so painful.
The lies we told the whole world, are we living in it or struggling in the truth we had before.
What am I without these emotions, without the tears I tear for you, the jealousy, the fights, the desperate me who's afraid of losing you...
Do you know, do you understand we can never find peace without been truthful to each other. What do you feel for me? Is it love or is it just my illusion, if not, what are we?
For tonight I can't sleep, I can only cry. Cry because of the love we had left so little, we have no understanding of each other, all you ever felt is been abused and pressurised, you don't know how much I love you that I'm willingly to give up anything for you. But are you able to do so or are we just a game that have too many involved? |
|
|
